Just finished Ann Patchett's newest book: "A Sense of Wonder".
This line caught my eye and my heart:
"There was no clear point of loss. It just happened over and over again in a thousand small ways and the only truth there was to learn was that there was no getting over it."
This is my truth and, from what I gather talking to other wives and former wives of transgendered men, it is a common truth. Our sense of loss is circular. Always returning to a place of pain we thought we left behind long ago. Is it because "he" is still here? But yet, not here. He has been replaced by she and she is not anyone I know.
Like a death of a spouse but, for me at least, a constant nagging sense of disbelief. "Am I dreaming?"
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ReplyDeleteThank you for your note. I hesitated to answer the last comment for fear I was "giving advice" and lord-knows...I'm not qualified to give anyone advice!
ReplyDeleteI have been trying to create a new life - and putting my energy there. The trans-related stories are not less important. But as a non-trans, soon-to-be-ex-wife, it's time to do other things.
That said, it is still true that there is "no getting use to loss".
Holidays bring up all kinds of memories and demons. This is now the second holiday our son has chosen not be with us because of his dad's transition. My husband is without question one of the strongest - and certainly the bravest - person I know. His/her ability to hear and listen to the anger of our son and to recognize that such anger is a covering for the frustration and loss -- this is a gift s/he gives to our child. Someday, I hope the young man will remember the greatness of his father and be able to still see that in the woman he will be.
This is a hard point for our transitioning family: father becoming a woman, marriage breaking apart, son moving away....and it's made harder at least for me, because my husband JAnet's transition is not complete. When Janet first emerged she was joyful but now it's hard to see Janet's pain no longer balanced by the joy. I wonder: is it going to be easier for everyone once the transition is done?
And do young adults ever reach a place of peace and acceptance? I would love to know if anyone else has experience with telling their older children.
Thanks.
Karen
Hi Karen,
ReplyDeleteThis is extremely heavy stuff and you all have my all my sympathies. In a lot of ways you have just described my worst fears. It is so complicated. I assume your husband and your son had a close relationship (I also have a son and he and I have a very special bond) and in addition to having to deal with the huge issue of his father's exterior changing in a way that is unfathomable it must also bring up questions about what it means to be male and what masculinity is. It sounds like your husband is handling it as well as he can by giving him space. It makes such sense for you to both be extremely angry at him for putting you through all this. I have to think that it will take time for emotional wounds to heal but these are certainly pretty deep.
I can't tell you how helpful it is to hear you insight on this. As I have mentioned my situation is a little different. I identify as male and like my guy side. The femme side was something I wanted to keep hidden, unfortunately it didn't happen that way and life has turned upside down ever since.
I think it is good that you are looking and moving towards the next stage in your life and I'm sorry if I have pulled you back in.
Even so, thank you so much for your insight.
Hi Karen, I am sorry for your family. It is so hard for many to understand what you and your family are going through. I started a blog a few years ago called guesswhathoney.com. Feel free to contact me at anytime. Bless you. Michelle
ReplyDeleteI appreciate reading about others' experiences. My husband came out about being transgender 5 years ago, 7 years into our marriage and 2 years into our daughter's life. I have since gone through cycle after cycle of empathy to resentment to anger to acceptance and back again. It seems to never end. I have nearly left a few times but fear what that will do to him (he gets depressive) and our daughter's relationship with him.
ReplyDeleteI am now exploring a new side to my sexuality: the prospect of being bi-sexual. I feel great love for this person, very deep love, and I think I could fall in the 'grey' or the sexuality spectrum as very nearly full hetero, but without extreme aversion to sex with a woman. Our sex life is the hardest part about this (that and the fact that I don't like sharing make up). I have tried letting go and trying to be in the moment with this "woman" and it felt great, but every day since, I have felt a bad feeling in my stomach and I'm not aching to have the experience again. I'm now back to resentment and I just want a regular man to hold. I hate feeling this way about the person I chose (under false pretenses) to spend my life and start a family with. I feel like an asshole for not always being okay with all this, knowing what I know about the abuses he/she suffered growing up. I guess hearing insight from others who have experienced the same will help. I just don't know what action to take.
Amy
Amy - I applaud your honesty and bravery. The complexity of your feelings: the cycle of empathy, care, compassion to anger, resentment and, I assume, grief, is familiar. I am sorry you have to go through this. I am concerned about your statement "I feel like an assole for not always being ok with this..." After all this time, I still feel that same way about my now ex-husband. We are close, even though we are divorced. But sometimes my anger still bubbles up and then I turn that anger towards myself thinking "why can't I feel ok about this??"
ReplyDeleteA good therapist has been so helpful and if you can search out and find one, I would recommend it. I would also recommend finding other wives of transgenders (I found a few to talk to at Trans conferences.) Just as I learned to live with my grief and loss, I can learn to live with anger but not let it rule me. I am happy now thanks to lots of talking with therapists and friends. Honor your feelings, take good care of yourself, and find a good therapist.