Hi,
I'm Karen. A 55 year old woman, married for 25 years. Three years ago, my husband was diagnosed as transgender. Changed his name, changed our life and our future.
We have created a new life - living separately - but happily. Or at least I am. Most of the time.
It is a life with many angles and complications. But it is a good life that could never have happened without the support and love of friends and family.
A recent article in the Globe reminded me of how important it is for all of us to share our story.
I will ask the author if I can publish her story here - and then I invite all of you wives and girlfriends - happy, depressed, angry, etc. Let's share stories and hopefully learn from each other.
Just a followup: One friend commented that the use of the word "diagnosis" implies pathology. I used this particular word because this is the language that my husband used when telling our friends and family. And there is evidence that gender incongruency may begin in utero.
ReplyDeleteHowever, it is equally valid to say this: "my husband was awakened, enlightened and open to transforming himself to her real self." There was and is joy in his journey and mine.
Hi Karen,
ReplyDeleteHad he crossdressed before this diagnosis? If so, was it something he shared with you?
Yes, a bit, privately in the bedroom. Very limited to a few female articles of clothing. And we shared it in a sense of play. But without my knowing, he also would dress secretly when I was not around. with wigs and a more complete wardrobe. Do you have a similar experience to share?
ReplyDeleteI had been a closet crossdresser until my wife found out fairly recently. I have no intention or desire to transition. I am not transgender. I truly enjoy and embrace my guy side but my wife is so freaked out by the whole thing (happened almost a year ago) that we are struggling to keep things together.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. First, for the delay in replying - I've been away. But mostly for the pain and confusion you and your wife are going through. I don't know how to be helpful (therapy helped us) - but I can tell you when I 'found out' I freaked as well. For me, at least, what was more painful than the cross-dressing, was the secret...that my husband had an important secret that he kept from me. I lost trust. But lots of time, talk, reassurances (and me reading and trying to understand) kept us going. There are support groups and many good books on the subject (Helen Boyd's books are the most popular). Do take care.
ReplyDeleteYes the secret and the trust issue are at the core with us too. I think there is so much shame involved in it that, even if you gain an understanding of how that aspect fits in with who you are, exposing it to others even a life partner is really hard. I never wanted anyone else to see it. Anyway, thank you for your kind words.
ReplyDeleteDo you think you might have stayed together if he kept his cross-dressing as an activity you two shared in private?
ReplyDelete