Oct. 3 No getting use to loss

Just finished Ann Patchett's newest book: "A Sense of Wonder".

This line caught my eye and my heart:

"There was no clear point of loss. It just happened over and over again in a thousand small ways and the only truth there was to learn was that there was no getting over it."

This is my truth and, from what I gather talking to other wives and former wives of transgendered men, it is a common truth. Our sense of loss is circular. Always returning to a place of pain we thought we left behind long ago. Is it because "he" is still here? But yet, not here. He has been replaced by she and she is not anyone I know.

Like a death of a spouse but, for me at least, a constant nagging sense of disbelief. "Am I dreaming?"

Another story: "Goodbye husband, Hello wife"

As hoped, Diane Daniel has given permission to post her story...and the story of "telling her story"... See her blog here: http://www.shewasthemanofmydreams.com

The short summary of the beginning and an end:

It was Jan. 2009, when my world suddenly tilted on its axis. My husband and I were sitting in the office of my therapist. This was our fourth meeting with all 3 of us. Marie had been treating me – for grief and depression - for five months. Ever since Diane, a very dear friend, died after a long struggle with breast cancer.

At a certain point in my theraputic process, it was clear that the intimacy and openness that I experienced with friends while caring for Diane, was not in my marriage. I wanted to change that. So I invited John to join me therapy. Discussion about his reserve and remoteness ultimately led to this exchange:

Marie: “So, John, what is your real name?”

John: “Janet”

Thus began the long and traumatic grieving process, the end of a marriage, the rebirth of two people, and the education of a family and community into the transgender world.

The “stages of grief” doesn’t begin to cover the emotional tidal wave of something so misunderstood and foreign. Everyone understand death and illness – but transition? Being a man who wants to be a woman? Everyone shakes their head, completely baffled.

For over three years, I have:

· Kept the “secret” from friends and family

· Hidden from friends in public when “JJ” – who is still closeted – is spotted

· Had to explain to old and dear friends about his/her dress, earrings, makeup

· Been completely furious with JJ with a killers instinct towards Janet who had ruined our lives...then..

· Been completely furious at the angry stares of others when Janet and I walk down the street, this time with the opposite instinct to protect Janet...

· Spent hours and hours doing “trans 101” with friends and family who want to try and understand

· Spent hours and hours weeping, wailing, becoming suicidal, and leaning on friends for support

· Spent hours and hours looking for a new place to live – then deciding against it – then changing my mind – again and again, until I ultimately move out of our family home

· Had to tell our son his father’s diagnosis and plans to transition

· Did the same with my 80 year old parents, sister, nieces and nephews

· Lost 35 pounds from anxiety and grief

· Created a new life and home – while creating a new relationship with my husband - one based on friendship, love, and shared history. But not a shared future.

Each of these moments has it’s own plotline and drama. And my life still is changing and evolving. But where are you in your journey?

Stories to Share

Hi,

I'm Karen. A 55 year old woman, married for 25 years. Three years ago, my husband was diagnosed as transgender. Changed his name, changed our life and our future.

We have created a new life - living separately - but happily. Or at least I am. Most of the time.
It is a life with many angles and complications. But it is a good life that could never have happened without the support and love of friends and family.

A recent article in the Globe reminded me of how important it is for all of us to share our story.
I will ask the author if I can publish her story here - and then I invite all of you wives and girlfriends - happy, depressed, angry, etc. Let's share stories and hopefully learn from each other.